Drag Me to Hell Written and Directed by Sam Raimi

I was overly excited to see Sam Raimi's latest film in the horror genre. Being a huge fan of his earlier work, IE Evil Dead and Army of Darkness, I was expecting a humorous yet horror filled two hours. Instead what I got was a half rate, unfunny, overly dramatic piece of shit. Come on Sam, you can do better than that! The film, which tried too hard to be scary (unsuccessfully), and was too serious to be funny, left me bored after the first 15 minutes. The only thing scary about the movie was Allison Lohman's acting! It was horrific! And casting Justin Long as her uberserious psychologist boyfriend was the wrong choice. As I sit here writing this review, I am actually having a hard time deciding which part of this film I hated the most. Was it the lame story line? Eh, maybe. Was it the obvious plot twist? Could be. Maybe it was the "something has to land in Allison's mouth every five minutes" story line. Quite possibly. Not to mention the talking goat...vintage Raimi, but just plain stupid in the movies context. It pains me to bash Raimi's work, it really does, but on the other hand I spent 4 dollars to rent this movie which I could have spent on Taco Bell. At least Taco Bell would have stayed with me longer than this pile of a movie. And that's not saying much. Well, if you do plan on renting this movie at any time during your life, which I am vehemently arguing that you shouldn't, I am about to give away the ending. Not that it matters, since you'll have figured it out by the time the opening credits stop rolling. When Allison's character falls under the train and gets sucked into hell, I actually didn't care. Not a single ounce of compassion for her. She was the main character! A nice girl, with a good job, and a great boyfriend. You are supposed to care about the main character. Either you love them or hate them, depending on how the story was written. I couldn't have cared any less. She got dragged down to hell, end of story, at that point I had forgotten half the plot (which was awful anyhow), and was just begging for the movie to be over. Thank you Sam Raimi for one thing about this movie...it ended!

Trick 'r' Treat. Written and Directed by Michael Dougherty

Trick 'r' Treat, the elusive, rarely seen, but much talked about horror anthology is one of the first horror films that I followed from the first time I saw the preview (in early 2007), until the day it was released on DVD (October 6, 2009). When I first caught the preview on a movie I can't remember I was hooked. I waited for the announcement that it had arrived at my hometown theater. I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited. Just like everyone else in the world. After getting rave reviews from critics during early screenings, the movie was inexplicably dropped from the studio that was backing it. Rumors flew. Some said the movie was "terrible", others a "triumph", but no one knew what would become of Trick 'r' Treat. As I waited I heard every so called insider say it was going to be delayed and re-released under a new studio, but that day never came. Then, as if Heaven opened up and God smiled down on the world, a DVD release date was issued under Warner Premiere. And all the horror geeks rejoiced! Including me. Now, I have to be honest and say a friend of mine got me an advanced copy of the movie before it hit the shelves. I carried the DVD home as if it were a newborn child. I strapped it into its own seat belt, sang it sweet lullabies, and made sure it was as comfortable as it could be. When I walked through the door I ignored everything else around me and headed straight for the DVD player. In the movie went, and down my ass went.

Usually, when you want something so bad, and you have waited so long, it can turn out to be a major let down unless it is art of a type the world has never seen. Trick 'r' Treat was that art! It was worth the wait.

Trick 'r' Treat is numerous stories woven together seamlessly on a traditional Halloween night in a small town. Everyone has their secrets, some of them more than one. As it unfolds, we get to meet a murderous principal, a preschool killer, a group of "special" women, a bus driver who makes the wrong decision, kids with handicaps in the wrong place, a group of teenagers who take a prank too far, and one of the greatest horror characters of all-time, Sam. Each story is told in its own time, but all of the characters "bump" into each other at one point or another. Most films that try and weave separate stories into one coherent "main" story fall flat at some point. Not Trick 'r' Treat. Each story is as good as its predecessor, and as the movie progresses you will find yourself immersed in the characters lives and the lore of small town Halloween. I am not going to give any of the plot for this movie, because I love it so much. I want you all to not rent, but go out and BUY this film. Michael Dougherty is a small time writer/director that created one of the top five horror movies of the past 30 years. I have watched this film more than 10 times since I bought it on October 6Th. It is that good! Please, heed my advice, if you are a horror movie fan, or a fan of the Halloween holiday Trick 'r' Treat is a MUST see. Enjoy.

Dead Girl written by Trent Haaga. Directed by Marcel Sarmiento

Let me begin this blog by first expressing my total disgust with the so called "critic" that wrote a ball bashing article on this movie in Rue Morgue magazine. You sir are a douchebag, and know nothing about movies. That being said, I had been waiting for Dead Girl to make its way to my local video store for quite some time. I had been reading and reading, blogs, articles, websites, etc about this amazingly brutal movie that was touring the filmfest circuits. I waited with eager anticipation, until the day I finally drove down to Hastings, paid my 5 dollars and brought one of the greatest horror movies of the last decade into my home.

Dead Girl is the story of, you guessed it, a dead girl. Yet, it's not that cut and dry. The movie begins with a friendship between two high school boys. One, the typical outsider. He thinks he's a badass, but no one else seems to care. The second, your typical loner. He's got his eyes on the hottest girl in school, but he lost his chance to be with her when they were younger. So, he stares at her from across the quad, hoping that one day she'll see him staring, remember all the good times they had and coming running back to his waiting arms. They are polar opposites. One is the leader, the other the follower. One is a do-er, the other is a talker. So, when the badass decides he wants to ditch class and take a walk to the old psychiatric hospital, the loner has little complaint.

The story begins when the two boys find themselves trapped in the mental hospital trying to escape a rabid dog. As they try and outrun the mutt they fall deeper and deeper into the maze of corridors and locked doors. Until they come upon a door that seems to be the way out. Instead of leading them to the light of day, the rusted old door opens on a room used in apparent experiments. As the two look around the dark room, they stumble upon a naked girl chained to a gurney. Their first thought is she must be dead, but they are only half right. Here is where the movie becomes a masterpiece. It is the classic case of "what would you do?" On one side you have the badass who wants to use the girl for his demented sexual fantasies. On the other, is the loner whose conscience won't allow him to be a part of such a disgusting act. So, as the movie rolls, the badass becomes infatuated with the "dead girl." He begins to spend every waking moment in the torture chamber with her. He skips school, doesn't hang out with his friends, and soon begins to recruit others to partake of his prize. Not long after, the badass comes to the conclusion that the girl is "undead." He has shot her, broke her neck, and beat her to death, but she cannot die. Meanwhile the loners conscience has gotten the best of him. He begins to scheme about how he can set the girl free, and save his friend from the psychotic spiral he has traveled. Needless to say, his schemes backfire and the brutality escalates. The sex scenes are disturbing, the violence is unnerving, and the morality scale is swaying mightily. Without giving away the ending or the major turning point of the movie I will end my synopsis here. Let me just say this, the scene with the star quarterback in the bathroom is GREAT!

Now, back to my opening statement. This douchebag magazine critic bashed Dead Girl, claiming it to be "garbage parading as art." This movie was not only disturbing, disgusting, violent, gutwrenching, and brutal, but it was also brilliant. I have never sat down and watched a movie and felt more uncomfortable than when I watched Dead Girl. I kept asking myself "what would I do?" Honestly, I would have been more like the loner than the badass, but there were moments when I doubted my own morals. Not many movies can do that. Make you feel dirty for watching. Believe it or not, I actually stopped the movie as the end credits rolled, undressed and took a blazing hot shower. There is no need to explain further. Go rent Dead Girl.

Zombieland. In theaters.

If you're like me, you've been fairly disappointed in all the recent zombie flicks to hit the big screen (or the small screen for that matter). How many times can you watch the same old thing? Disease hits a major city. People get sick. People die. People come back to life. People eat people. It's always the same, the zombies are in no way as intelligent as their human counterparts, and can often be left in the dust if their prey simply breaks into a jog. So, needless to say I have been waiting far too long for something different. I needed a zombie movie that I could sit through without saying "I've seen this. Nine hundred times before." Enter Zombieland. Billed as a Horror/Comedy, it doesn't shy from either genre. With enough gore to satisfy even the craziest gore hound, and enough comedy to keep most people laughing throughout, the movie rarely misses and opportunity to appease everyone.

Starring Jesse Eisenberg (Adventureland), playing his normal neurotic teenage character, which he nails once again, Zombieland starts out with a bang. Columbus (Eisenberg) is our narrator starting the movie with his "rules about surviving Zombieland", which pop up throughout the movie and are more often than not followed by uproarious laughter. I, personally, was laughing within the first 3 minutes. This fete was enough to make me toss aside my "zombie skeptical goggles" and relax. The hilarity had only just begun. Soon Columbus meets up with the brightest star in the film, Woody Harrelson's character, Tallahassee. With a penchant for killing zombies in new and creative ways, and an unhealthy obsession with Twinkies, Harrelson steals every scene. I am not going to give away too much of the plot, I want everyone to go out and see this movie for themselves. I will tell you, Emma Stone (Superbad), who plays Wichita, is very very hot toting a shotgun and a bad attitude. And, the scene in which the characters find themselves spending the night in a Beverly Hills mansion is worth paying the ten dollars by itself. So, if you are a zombie movie lover, a zombie movie hater, a lover of all things comedic, or have no sense of humor whatsoever, Zombieland is the perfect movie for you. I was entertained from the opening scene to the ending credits, and when it was over I wanted to walk out to the lobby and pay another ten dollars and see it again. Here's hoping for more zombie movies that don't take themselves too seriously. The original and only good zombie movie ever made George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead, has been done, and redone again and again. We should all accept there will never be another as good as the original and stop making "serious" zombie movies. Take your cues from Zombieland, dead people who try and eat other people are funny. Make that work for you! So, scrounge up ten bucks, head down to your local theater and spend an hour and a half with Zombieland, I promise you will LOVE IT!